Never, Ever Go Grocery Shopping on an Empty Stomach. At Least Grab a Burrito from Taco Bell or Something First.

David and I are not the most mature adults on the planet. Grocery shopping is no exception, especially when one or both of us is hungry. We usually end up with Little Debbie's in the cart mysteriously, or animal circus cookies will magically show up when it's time to check out. But we do enjoy a good adult cereal, such as Berry Colossal Crunch, or Chocolate Marshmallow Mateys. However, the last time we went to the store, we were extremely hungry. I'm talking ready to take out the little girl selling Girl Scout Cookies hungry. When you're grocery shopping under the influence of hunger, it's almost like you're drunk. Everything blacks out. You open the freezer the next day and, glancing at the excessive stacks of various forms of pizza (pizza rolls, bagel bites, frozen pizza, mini pizzas, etc.), think, "Man, that was some crazy shopping trip yesterday, huh?"

That is precisely what happened the last time we went grocery shopping. We opened the freezer the next day to find a big box of corn dogs and 2 different types of microwaveable burritos. In an effort to get rid of all this crap, we decided to eat them for our lunches everyday. No big deal, except that I work with people who are strictly Lean Cuisine people. So it's kind of awkward removing my inconspicuously wrapped lunch from the land of Low-Fat Microwavable Meals and popping it in the microwave, the smell of fried cornbread permeating the building, adding 10 calories to their lunches per sniff. But that's okay, because I usually eat lunch on my way from work to class. So I microwave my lunch on my way out. Well, I work on the second story of the Student Recreation Center, which houses an AMAZING gym that I never ever ever use. And the Rec Center is on the far end of campus, so the entire way to classes, I'm passing all these thin, beautiful people on their way to the gym or on their way from the gym. And all I can think, as I'm chowing down on my corn dog, is, "Man, these guys are really missing out. Diet and exercise are so overrated." And all they're thinking is, "Did you see that fatty eating the corn dog?"

I'm starting a diet on Monday.